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I fucking hate my life.
I looked at two places today, one is livable and very close to work, and the other is not to my standards. The problem with having standards is I live in the FUCKING BAY AREA where you can’t even expect to have access to an indoor bathroom for less than, like, nine million dollars a month, and my Dad’s situation means I can’t even work full-time without greatly diminishing his quality of life, so I don’t make enough money to live somewhere halfway decent. And most of the time, I don’t think he realizes what I’m giving up for him. And I’m not yet so horrible of a person that I want to point it out to him, and it feels like there’s no one else in the world who sees it or cares enough to say “Hey, Kirsten, it’s nice of you to make these sacrifices for your Pops.” And I fully realize I don’t have to do this. I can ask for more hours at work, or go out and get another job, and be able to afford better. The only thing stopping me is guilt.
The place I’m in now, the place I’ve been for all of a week, is nice. It’s a pretty home, with perfectly polite roommates who I almost never see, but there are a lot of them, and I can hear them all the time, and I don’t feel like I have much privacy, and I’m not comfortable there. And it is SO FAR AWAY from Dad and from work, the commute will kill me before too long. I’m on a month-to-month lease, so I’m looking for somewhere to move next month, before I get a chance to unpack too much and get stuck in the stasis of just being there.
I looked at two places. One was nice. I might take it. I called about another place that’s also very close to work this afternoon, and I’ll see how that goes.
I am so, so tired of being unstable, unsettled, uneasy. I haven’t even opened the box of my brand new computer because I haven’t bothered getting a mouse or a keyboard or a monitor and there’s no point. I just look at the box and think, man, when I finally get that thing set up, I can’t wait to look at the Internet on a screen bigger than 2”x4” (acknowledging that the fact I can look at it on something that fits in my pocket is amazing), I can’t wait to actually be able to view the content people post, I can’t wait to access the non-mobile version of okcupid so that I can finally delete that stupid account, I can’t wait to watch movies again, to access the hard drive of my old MacBook and actually be able to listen to the music that I paid for. That’s pretty much all I feel like I have to look forward to. Like, for the whole rest of my life.
