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Guest post from my brain: You should just give up.
You will never have a fulfilling relationship with a man, because you are broken. You expect too much while simultaneously accepting too little. There is nothing about who you are that seems to warrant being treated like a lady, being loved and respected and treasured, and nothing you do will ever change that. You are, by turns, too independent and too needy, too smart and too obtuse, too giving and too stingy, too pretty and not pretty enough. And because you are broken, and because you are getting older, and less and less able to fix yourself, and less motivated to do so, you can’t reasonably expect anyone to love you. Who you are simply isn’t good enough. And so, not only must you get used to loneliness, cozy up to it, make room for it in your bed and your life, but you must accept the fact that to ever expect better is arrogant and irresponsible. And furthermore, along with everything else you have packed up and mailed to Never in the last three years, it is only fitting that you now pack up your dreams of motherhood. You don’t honestly think you’d be good at that, do you? You don’t honestly think, given the mess you’ve made of your own life, that it would be prudent or wise or even safe to be entrusted with someone else’s?
Maybe you should have stayed with your ex-husband. Of course, it’s too late now, but think about it: the devil you know. Sure, he was uncommunicative, never showed affection, passive aggressive, dishonest, insensitive: but, he left you alone to do your thing, he never challenged you or even engaged, and he never would have actually left you. The best sex of your life would be behind you right now (hell, the last sex of your life would be behind you), but you would have a stable, steadfast roommate and no drama, no surprises. And who knows, maybe he’d have woken up some day, in the middle of one of your tantrums, and decided that he did want a wife, and you’d be there. But it’s too late now. You threw away your last, best hope because you vainly, childishly, naively, believed that you deserved better.
By now, you probably understand that you don’t deserve better. You don’t, inherently, deserve anything. You should be content from now on to sit under life’s table, begging and being grateful for whatever scraps get tossed your way. Like how a bum told you you had pretty hair today. That is the closest you will ever get again to being loved, so cherish it.
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summersumz said:
dear brain: you’re kind of an asshole sometimes and maybe you should quit being so mean to me because godmotherfuckingdammit I am going to be ok.
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