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TT
Don’t tell me what kind of daughter I am. I do what I do because I love my Dad, and I want the rest of his life to be as happy and comfortable as possible. Sure, I feel a little duty-bound, but only a little. Mostly, I recognize, or try to recognize, the unique privilege and blessing that it is, the luxury of time to spend with him while I have no career or other family of my own to think about. Sixteen months ago, having sold my business, left my husband, severed ties with people who I thought were some of my closest friends, faced with the reality of living in a place that seemed would always be full of ghosts and bitter memories, I turned tail and ran home, at my sister’s invitation. “You can help me take care of Dad, and get paid. You can live at home rent-free. You don’t have to get a job until you want to.” (Incidentally, I didn’t start getting paid for taking care of him until my brother got control of the finances and did the right thing, a year after the fact.) I still want to believe she meant it, in spite of what happened in the year after I arrived. So I did, and I was grateful for what I thought would be respite, time to rest and get my shit together, plan the next few steps, nurse my wounds. I don’t regret going back to Sacramento, even though it was a miserable year. When I could no longer ignore or excuse my sister’s behavior and the ways she was putting herself and my Dad at risk, not to mention her malicious behavior towards me, my brother and I uprooted my Dad from his home and moved him to a nursing home, and I figured out a way to be near him, and I structured my life around seeing him as close to every day as possible, because after all he’d been put through, he was and is owed a little comfort and a little deference and as much of my and my brother’s time and energy as we can possibly afford to give him. I know this isn’t sustainable forever. I know that at some point, I’ll have to start working full-time, start looking at my goals and actually setting aside the time to achieve them, stop spending every day with him. I guess it looks like I gave up a lot for him, and maybe that’s what people mean when they say they admire me. But everything I gave up, I’d have given up anyway. All I’ve really “lost” so far is time, and I don’t consider it lost because it’s been to his benefit, and mine. The time we spend together is so, so precious to me. So don’t tell me I’m a “wonderful daughter”. I am just a daughter who loves her father and wants to do right by him. If my focus on him is unusual, it’s because too many people don’t do what they should. It’s not because I’ve gone above and beyond. I’m also conflicted and scared shitless because I know that the time to start focusing on my own life again is approaching, and I worry that I’m going to use my Dad as an excuse not to do that. There has to be a balance. But the more people praise me for just doing right by my Dad, the more I fear that when I find that balance, those same people will view me as negligent.
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rondicasmith liked this
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ashamedtosay said:
Right now, you are doing what is right for both of you. When you make a change, you will be doing what is right for both of you. How it is now may not be sustainable, or it may be - that is between you and your dad and no one else.
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groverviolet said:
I can promise that this person here, and others here, will know that you are you and doing your best to cherish your Dad and take care of yourself. We know you because you share yourself with us. That’s why we care about you.
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miareeva said:
You are a wonderful person.
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