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I don’t think I can forgive you.
I thought I could, back in May, when I thought you would come around, before I knew how far you would go to hurt me. Even after you did the worst things, I thought that you’d have a come-to-Jesus moment and would try to explain, make amends, get help. It hasn’t been that long, but the more time passes and I hear nothing from you directly, nothing to indicate you’re even trying to be a good person or get your priorities straight, the angrier I get and the more I just detest you. The things you did to my father, the things you did to my brother and me, the things you did to your friends: it isn’t even a matter of “how could you do this to your father/sister/brother/friends?”
No. How could you do these things to anyone you even considered human? People don’t exist for you except as pawns, they have no value to you other than what you can take from them. You are conniving, cruel, narcissistic, vindictive, toxic. I don’t care if it’s mental illness that makes you this way, I don’t care what the diagnosis is, I don’t even care about the chain of events that led to the onset and worsening of your condition. I don’t care. You don’t have a kind or loving bone in your body, and I’m afraid it’s too late for you.
I said here once, “You burned that bridge, but if you ever want to rebuild it, I’ll be here, waiting.” But you know what? I’m not going to wait. And I’m not going to help you build shit. If you came to me tomorrow and came clean about everything and told me you were going to make a genuine effort to get treatment and make amends, if you reimbursed me for my belongings you destroyed, if you reimbursed Dad the tens of thousands of dollars you stole from him, you would still have to spend years, and unfathomable amounts of energy, to regain even a fraction of the trust and goodwill you lost. And you know whose loss that is? It’s yours. I lost nothing. I lost the illusion of having a sister and a friend. But even before worse came to worst, you didn’t love me. You manipulated and abused me, like you do to everyone who loves you. You lied and stole and cheated and hurt people for no reason but to entertain yourself, or exact vengeance for perceived slights, or establish your own superiority. You disgust me.
I hope you are reading this. Part of me knows you are. I hope you see this, and I hope you know, this isn’t war, because I’m not as horrible as you. I couldn’t hurt somebody just to hurt them. I couldn’t do anything as malicious as the things you’ve done. I don’t need revenge. I’ll only ever fight to defend myself, and I don’t have to defend myself from you. This isn’t war. I don’t have to fight you. The shitty thing is I still love you. Well, one shitty thing. But, the freeing thing, the thing that’s going to help me sleep tonight, and every night from here on out, is knowing that I don’t owe it to you to be willing to forgive you. I don’t owe you anything, good or bad. I’m free of you. You can’t hurt me anymore. I’m washing my hands of the guilt I felt at not being able to help you, not being able to protect Dad from you, not being able to change the past. I’m letting go of my childish fantasies of you coming back into our lives contrite and humbled. I did absolutely everything I could. I’m setting aside my foolish notions of being the bigger person, killing with kindness. I don’t have to let you back into my life or my heart to prove I am a good person. I am and will always be a good person. I’m just a good person who knows her limits. And I’m not a doormat, a punching bag, an accomplice, or a servant, and those are the only kinds of people you acknowledge.
So, from this day forward, I’m free. I don’t have to try to forgive you, I don’t have to try to make you want to earn my forgiveness. I hope you will find happiness and someday learn to stop being abusive and destructive to everyone you touch. But I don’t ever hope to hear from or see you again, and I don’t care to.
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miareeva said:
love you.
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theyrebl1nd said:
Whoa :(
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knitterplease posted this
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