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Writing that letter to my sister earlier was so freeing.
I appreciate the supportive askbox messages and texts and emails. I was a little afraid I’d come off looking like an asshole, but I realized that it doesn’t matter. Nobody but me and my brother know the extent of the pain she caused, and I know that I’m right to let go of the idea that one day she’ll be forgivable. I don’t wish any harm on my sister. I don’t even hope for “justice” or karma or any kind of reckoning for her. I just don’t want her in my life, now or ever. And the decision to accept that the best thing for me is estrangement, that I no longer have to feel responsible for her wellbeing or protecting anyone else from her, is the healthiest, sanest decision I can make. I feel free, I feel lighter and happier and safer, and I feel justified.
I know I will continue to worry about her from time to time. I know I’ll still find rabbit holes to fall down (where is she what is she doing is she safe is she hurting herself has she hurt someone else will she ever be okay will I ever stop worrying…), and I know that I’ll probably still have panic attacks stemming from the fact that we’re genetically identical and that must mean I’m awful too, but to know that I am done trying to anticipate how I’ll ever forgive her, how we’ll repair our relationship, to know that there’s nothing to repair and no way to forgive, oh, it is so calming, so freeing, so nice.
Thank you to my dear friends for being supportive and understanding, for validating feelings I was afraid to admit to, and especially for reminding me that trusting people is worth it. You know who you are and I love you to pieces.
