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Feeling ways about things
When I’m depressed like I’ve been, I notice things less. I can be staring at the most beautiful sunset and all I take note of is that the sun is setting. Things I might find wonderful when I am feeling “more myself”, I don’t really acknowledge. I am looking, but not seeing. Nothing much has been beautiful to me lately. Nothing much interests me. I am an observer, impassive, resigned.
Last night I went to hear a bluegrass jam at a local bar. At one point, the nostalgia the music evoked, the homesickness for a time and a place when I saw and felt more, brought me to tears. I talked to some nice folks, and I met a guy I thought was really attractive. Like, really attractive. Like, my breathing and heart rate were affected by his proximity and actions. And, nothing will come of this encounter with a cute boy, but it’s nice to feel ways about things. I so rarely find myself attracted to someone to the point of butterflies and tongue-tied. I think I can count the times I’ve felt this powerfully attracted to someone on one hand, and it’s never been anyone I’ve dated or slept with. It’s always some guy I talk to once or twice and never see again. I kind of wonder what might happen if I actually dated one of them.
Tonight I looked out my living room window to see a stunning view of downtown Oakland and the hills beyond, lights twinkling playfully, and I thought, well, isn’t this gorgeous. How lucky am I.
I think the point of this was to say that in the past few days I’ve been noticing things. Seeing what I look at, hearing what I listen to, feeling ways about things. I’m on an upswing? Maybe? My fatalistic little heart is telling me already not to get too comfortable.
There once was a Kirsten who would have felt so encouraged by this ever-so-slight lifting of the fog that she’d have made all sorts of promises to herself to let more light in and be more proactive. The funny thing is that what I’m doing is impassively observing the fact that I’m not observing so impassively lately.
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